Why, God?

"Why, God?" we plead in desperation. When tragedy strikes, when heartbreak pierces us, when discouragements seem to crush us, this question flows easily off our tongue. "Why is God allowing this pain? If He loves me, then why is my heart breaking?" we ask rhetorically, certain that no answer will come...

This past summer my nephew, Declan, underwent open heart surgery: he was only ten months old. To this day, tears come to the eyes of his parents when they recall this painful process: seeing the many IVs in their baby boy, hugging him goodbye as the anesthesiologist carried him into the surgery room, and knowing that soon he would have a deep scar drawn across the length of his chest. Words failed to convey the life-saving importance of this surgery and the healing it would soon bring; it was impossible for a baby to comprehend. But even through the pain, his eyes reflected love and complete trust in the hands of his adoring parents.

This painful plight our Father knows too well. How often we cry out to Him in pain and confusion. We don't understand the trial. We can't comprehend what good it will bring. Yet there our Father stands, keeping watch by our bed. His comforting hand laid across our sweating brow. How He wishes we could fully understand His heart! "When all things seem dark and unexplainable, remember the words of Christ, 'What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter.' John 13:7." (Ministry of Healing, p. 487)

On Thanksgiving Day, my all too familiar chest pain returned. Once again, I was struggling for every breath; spending my days at home watching the flames lick the wood in the fireplace and trying to rest. In all honesty, there have been moments of frustration when I try to speak but end up gasping for air instead. But these moments are quickly beaten back by reflecting on promises fulfilled, the faithfulness of my Father, the self-sacrificing care of my family, and the prayers of my friends. The question, "Why, God?" came this morning as I was reading through the book, Ministry of Healing. I couldn't help but ask, "Why, God? ... Why has your mercy and your comfort always been so close to me - even though I absolutely don't deserve it? Why was I blessed with such a loving family? Why do You care so much for me to prepare my character for the times ahead?" I don't know what lies before me (do any of us?), but each day, God gives me the grace and strength that I need for that day. He hasn't given me strength for tomorrow's battle because I don't need it yet! Tomorrow, He will abundantly supply that need.

Ministry of Healing reminds us: "Each one has a personal battle to fight. Not even God can make our characters noble or our lives useful, unless we become co-workers with Him. Those who decline the struggle lose the strength and joy of victory!" (p. 487)

Draw strength from the Father today. Focus on the victory and joy before us. And remember, instead of grasping for control of an unknown tomorrow, seek to understand the Father's heart today.

One Regret

I have many dreams... Dreams of being a godly wife and mother, a co-laborer in the Gospel field. Dreams of living in a rugged land protecting and nurturing children from the horrors of stolen innocence. Dreams that have yet to be fulfilled. 

Yet last Friday night, as I slept fitfully on my hospital bed desperately gasping for a painless breath, none of my dreams came to mind. Instead, one thought surfaced repeatedly. One regret came without relief...

 I wish I had loved Jesus more. 

How shallow has been my love when compared to the depths of His grace! How painfully small have been my efforts to ease His daily pain. How great is the multitude within my reach - too often unnoticed by my sadly callused eyes. 

But today as I breathe deeply, taking in the beauty of a fresh new week, my only regret has become my greatest dream... 

With every breath, with every thought, I'm seeking and growing to love my Jesus more. 

That Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19